Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.