Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If only.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.