I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!