Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Don’t snitch tag.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower