Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets
Follow us on Instagram. That's it, don't make us say cringy things like YouTubers say at the end of their videos. Click here to follow us
@Eightinchgoat : Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
@Eightinchgoat: Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.
@Eightinchgoat: I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.
@Eightinchgoat: Boom! You're pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
@Eightinchgoat: It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
@Eightinchgoat: *Pulls your panties to the side*
*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
@Eightinchgoat: Worst things about mid 40's:
1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.
2. Crying too hard to complete this list.
@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick:
Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
@Eightinchgoat: I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
@Eightinchgoat: I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.