@Eightinchgoat

A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.

@Eightinchgoat

Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.

@Eightinchgoat

Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.

@Eightinchgoat

Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@Eightinchgoat

Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@Eightinchgoat

I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.

@Eightinchgoat

*Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@Eightinchgoat

Worst things about mid 40’s:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.