A fun thing to do while locking yourself in your house is to practice your knife throwing skills. Tomorrow it can be practicing your drywall repair skills.
Hey Siri … find me recipes that use brown mustard, Worcestershire sauce, white rice, and a 13 year old can of creamed corn.
Your internet girlfriend is getting yelled at by his wife right now.
Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.
Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.
I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.
Boom! You’re pregnant!
-Me, speed dating
It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.
*Pulls your panties to the side*
*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*
Worst things about mid 40’s:
1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.
2. Crying too hard to complete this list.