Funny Tweeter

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Page of Eightinchgoat's best tweets

@Eightinchgoat : Seattle outlawed plastic straws so now I’m snorting coke through a tampon cardboard applicator.

@Eightinchgoat: Everything I know about picking up women, I learned from Pepé Le Pew.

@Eightinchgoat: I always carry a knife hidden in my boot, but it’s just to spread cream cheese on the bagel that’s hidden in my other boot.

@Eightinchgoat: It was just White Floyd until that one red sock got mixed in.

@Eightinchgoat: *Pulls your panties to the side*

*Tries to remember how I even ended up wearing your panties*

@Eightinchgoat: Worst things about mid 40's:

1. Catching a view of yourself naked in the mirror.

2. Crying too hard to complete this list.

@Eightinchgoat: Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you're taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can't escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@Eightinchgoat: I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don't. So, from now on I'm only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.

@Eightinchgoat: I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for a beer.