This anagram machine is out of order.
You Might Also Like
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
greetings!
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Tammy is short for Tamuel
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Bill is short for Billiam
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.