I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.