There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
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2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
scared to check what name she chose
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock