I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Me: No, I have not seen it.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.