Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
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Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
satan: not today, microsoft teams
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
this isn’t threatening at all
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”