*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
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I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.