Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.