HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?