@EliTerry

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

@EliTerry

you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker

@EliTerry

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

@EliTerry

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

@EliTerry

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

@EliTerry

TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos

@EliTerry

“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.

@EliTerry

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

@EliTerry

WE’RE HERE. WE’RE QUEER. YOU’RE THE MAILMAN. I’M ED QUEER. THIS IS MY FAMILY. WE JUST MOVED IN. I’LL SIGN FOR THE PACKAGE. SORRY IM YELLING.

@EliTerry

I brought a gun that shoots knives to a gun fight. Everybody was like whoa. We didn’t even fight. Went to get nachos. Cool group of dudes.