Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
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my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?