I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
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Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
hey, alexa
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Okay
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
They’re on their honeymoon
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.