“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
You Might Also Like
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Try and stop me.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked