Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
You Might Also Like
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
mood
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what