The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
You Might Also Like
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”