My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
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recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda