If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
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Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator