@Elizasoul80 They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
@Elizasoul80 @Elizasoul80 I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
@Elizasoul80 God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
@Elizasoul80 God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
@Elizasoul80 Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
@Elizasoul80 [On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
@Elizasoul80 Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
@Elizasoul80 My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
@Elizasoul80 Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
@Elizasoul80 I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.