@Elizasoul80: I've accepted that I'll probably never say "I'd love to" without sounding sarcastic.

@Elizasoul80: God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] "A pineapple it is then."

@Elizasoul80: God: [creating Guy Fieri] "Hand me a head."

Angel: We're out of human heads.

God: "Hand me a pineapple."

@Elizasoul80: Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

"Yes, everyone."

@Elizasoul80: [On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
"I'll just wait in the car."

@Elizasoul80: Magazines are for your self esteem.

-New Yorker: You're so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.

@Elizasoul80: My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I'm worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

@Elizasoul80: Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn't know is I've been calling myself that since we started talking.

@Elizasoul80: I don't want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.