How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.