@Elizasoul80

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@Elizasoul80

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

@Elizasoul80

Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.

@Elizasoul80

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

@Elizasoul80

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

@Elizasoul80

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

@Elizasoul80

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

@Elizasoul80

My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.

@Elizasoul80

Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.