When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.