@Elizasoul80
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
@Elizasoul80
@Elizasoul80
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
@Elizasoul80
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
@Elizasoul80
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
@Elizasoul80
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
@Elizasoul80
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
@Elizasoul80
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
@Elizasoul80
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
@Elizasoul80
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
@Elizasoul80
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.