Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”