@Elizasoul80

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

@Elizasoul80

[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”

@Elizasoul80

The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.

@Elizasoul80

Dear Californians- Quit telling everyone there’s a drought. The ocean is right there. You’re just lazy.

@Elizasoul80

[my husband turning onto our street]

“know what I think?”

husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.

“we’ve been down this road before”

@Elizasoul80

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

@Elizasoul80

Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.

@Elizasoul80

Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:

“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”

@Elizasoul80

Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.

@Elizasoul80

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”