Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
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I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?