Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.