@EllaZee5

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

@EllaZee5

Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby

Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.

@EllaZee5

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: *is asleep

Netflix: why are you like this

@EllaZee5

The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.

@EllaZee5

If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.

@EllaZee5

It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.

@EllaZee5

[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.

@EllaZee5

This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.

@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.