I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
When I said I liked it rough.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting