Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.