“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Still a very good boi….
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.