19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
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Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
somebody come look at this
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”