4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
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[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken