I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
You Might Also Like
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.