😂💯
You Might Also Like
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!