*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
I love art.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good