Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
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Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
✌🏽
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede