When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
You Might Also Like
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no