@EmberToAsh

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

@EmberToAsh

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@EmberToAsh

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@EmberToAsh

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”