I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
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We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Death certificates are our last participation award.