Natural selection at its finest
You Might Also Like
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.