Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
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My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach