Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
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Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
hmmm
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.