Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
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I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
my favorite genre of twitter
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*