Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
You Might Also Like
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
We need more people like this.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
The Weeknd is back
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
I just ran a .003048K
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.