After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
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I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no