me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
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You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.