[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
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Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
The Onion called it…again.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
😩😩😩
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.