My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
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Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Happy Caturday!
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.