Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
You Might Also Like
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
normalize having existential bread
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.