THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
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My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
fixed it
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
We’re all getting idioter.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]